KABUL—American soldiers, civilians, and contractors still stranded in Afghanistan said Thursday that while they're a little upset that they're 100% at the mercy of the Taliban, they are at least happy that the president doesn't tweet mean things anymore.
The thousands of Americans still stranded said they are taking consolation in the fact that we got rid of the guy who posted "covfefe" and called people "losers" and "haters" on Twitter.
"I'm just glad we have a real leader in the White House now, who doesn't say mean things on Twitter," said one man sheltering in a house in hopes that the Taliban doesn't murder him. "It was really embarrassing for me living here abroad whenever Trump would make a typo on Twitter. But now, our president doesn't post anything mean on Twitter. Or anything, really, since he probably doesn't know what Twitter is. In fact, he doesn't say anything because he barely ever gives press conferences and just turns his back on the press whenever they ask a question. So he doesn't say anything mean."
"Finally -- America is back, baby!"
At publishing time, Americans currently under attack by terrorists in Kabul said they are just glad that our military leaders are focusing on critical race theory and gender equality as well.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.