KABUL—American soldiers, civilians, and contractors still stranded in Afghanistan said Thursday that while they're a little upset that they're 100% at the mercy of the Taliban, they are at least happy that the president doesn't tweet mean things anymore.
The thousands of Americans still stranded said they are taking consolation in the fact that we got rid of the guy who posted "covfefe" and called people "losers" and "haters" on Twitter.
"I'm just glad we have a real leader in the White House now, who doesn't say mean things on Twitter," said one man sheltering in a house in hopes that the Taliban doesn't murder him. "It was really embarrassing for me living here abroad whenever Trump would make a typo on Twitter. But now, our president doesn't post anything mean on Twitter. Or anything, really, since he probably doesn't know what Twitter is. In fact, he doesn't say anything because he barely ever gives press conferences and just turns his back on the press whenever they ask a question. So he doesn't say anything mean."
"Finally -- America is back, baby!"
At publishing time, Americans currently under attack by terrorists in Kabul said they are just glad that our military leaders are focusing on critical race theory and gender equality as well.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."