U.S.—The CIA has issued a terror alert warning as radical extremists are reportedly holding their weekly meetings in their underground meeting locations across the country this very moment.
According to the government intelligence agency, the extremists gather, chant together in unison, and then hear a speaker who radicalizes them to live normal, productive lives, take responsibility for their own actions, and love one another. The bizarre cult then sprinkles water on babies (though some splinter groups dunk), and even eats flesh and drinks blood. There are also stale donuts and bad coffee.
"Despite our best efforts to dismantle these organizations, they are still meeting every Sunday," said CIA officer Grant Woodley. "This could undermine all the work we're trying to do to establish a more inclusive, woke new world order. We would just go in and take them down, but there's a loophole in the First Amendment that apparently stops us. We're working on getting that changed, though."
"The best thing you can do is alert us if you see a van with a happy, healthy nuclear family pulling up to a building that has a 'T' on it -- the 'T' is for 'terrorist,' we think -- so we can look into it further. If you see something, say something."
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."