U.S.—The CIA has issued a terror alert warning as radical extremists are reportedly holding their weekly meetings in their underground meeting locations across the country this very moment.
According to the government intelligence agency, the extremists gather, chant together in unison, and then hear a speaker who radicalizes them to live normal, productive lives, take responsibility for their own actions, and love one another. The bizarre cult then sprinkles water on babies (though some splinter groups dunk), and even eats flesh and drinks blood. There are also stale donuts and bad coffee.
"Despite our best efforts to dismantle these organizations, they are still meeting every Sunday," said CIA officer Grant Woodley. "This could undermine all the work we're trying to do to establish a more inclusive, woke new world order. We would just go in and take them down, but there's a loophole in the First Amendment that apparently stops us. We're working on getting that changed, though."
"The best thing you can do is alert us if you see a van with a happy, healthy nuclear family pulling up to a building that has a 'T' on it -- the 'T' is for 'terrorist,' we think -- so we can look into it further. If you see something, say something."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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