KABUL—After the Taliban announced that Afghans would have to turn in their guns, the White House has sent Beto O'Rourke to Kabul to help out.
Biden quickly praised the proposal and offered to send the gun confiscation expert and failed congressional candidate to go help take everybody's guns.
"[Flowerbed] yes we're coming for your guns," O'Rourke said as he happily went door to door to take firearms from soon-to-be helpless Afghan civilians. "This will greatly reduce gun violence, as Afghans won't be able to fight back at all and will simply have to submit to the Taliban's rule."
"Unlike America, the Taliban is very progressive when it comes to gun legislation. This is just a common-sense measure," O'Rourke said as he wrestled an AK-47 out of the hands of an Afghan woman before the Taliban whisked her away.
Unfortunately, O'Rourke was caught in his furry costume and is now imprisoned on death row. Biden says we will have to either drop off some pallets of cash to get him back or start a second Afghan war.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."