SILVER SPRING, MD—After some concern from the general public around the FDA's approval of the Pfizer vaccine, the FDA released a statement today confirming that the vaccine is perfectly safe and will not harm humans or viruses.
"Yeah, this thing is perfectly benign—it wouldn't hurt a fly," said FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn to the press. "You could inject this stuff all day and nothing would happen! Although, we do recommend injecting this stuff as often as humanly possible. Can't hurt, right?"
Experts say that although the vaccine doesn't prevent transmission or infection from the virus, especially the Delta version, it does do something, they just can't remember what it was.
Other health experts reminded the public that the vaccine can indeed lessen symptoms and keep you out of the hospital, but it will only do so if you get regular booster shots and new variant shots for the rest of your life.
"Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it," said Hahn. "Since the vaccine is literally the only thing that can protect you from COVID or keep you healthy, I recommend you just keep getting it forever. After all, it's harmless!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
