WASHINGTON, D.C.—Press Secretary Jen Psaki lauded the Biden administration for not abandoning a record 331 million Americans in Afghanistan.
According to sources, an unprecedented 331,128,473 Americans are living safely in America and are not abandoned in Afghanistan. This number is 91,543 higher than last week's number, as approximately 91,543 babies were born in America this week.
"What the President has accomplished is simply unparalleled," said Psaki, wiping a tear from her eye. "It's like the Berlin airlift and Dunkirk had a beautiful love child, and that was this evacuation. We think we got about 96% of Americans out, which is A+ homework material, and on top of it all, we turned our homework in early. Boom. Eat that, Peter Doocy."
While the administration did acknowledge that around 250 Americans were stranded in Afghanistan, they are pretty sure 248 of them are Republican. It is believed that tens of thousands of green card holders and Afghan allies are also trapped, but the administration anticipates that will get lost pretty quickly in the news cycle.
Critics pointed out that Biden did not uphold his promise to rescue all Americans, and on top of that gave those still trapped one less day to attempt the dangerous road to the airport. Sources inside the administration say they are sick and tired of journalists saying things like that, instead of praising them for being so awesome.
"We at the White House are frankly fed up with not getting the credit we deserve for being so amazing," said Psaki. "Where's the 'Hey Jen, I'm so impressed with how you ended the Afghanistan war, would you like to expand on how great you are?' Come on, let's be glass-half-full kind of people!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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