HELL—The Prince of Darkness Grim confirmed today that he doesn't actually like rock and roll music and that he's more into bro-country. The Devil made the statement during a brief break from attempting to orchestrate the demise of humanity earlier today. "Yeah, you know, Maiden, Megadeth, Metallica—it's fine. I thought a lot of those guys really fell off in the '90s. Rust in Peace is a classic, of course."
But Lucifer went on to say that, if he's being honest, he doesn't really care for rock or heavy metal as a genre. "Like, honestly, just being 100% straight with you, I'm much more into bro-country," he said as he puffed on a vape. "Put on a little Florida-Georgia Line, a little Luke Bryan, and I'm a happy camper. I just love how they took something good that God created through His servant Johnny Cash and just absolutely destroyed it. It's very satanic in that way."
Satan said he really enjoys listening to bro-country bands mutilate classic country song structures, borrow from hip-hop even though they're pasty white guys, and sing about getting up in a Ford truck and driving down a dirty highway with a hot girl all up in it. "Frankly, it's much more demonic than when Iron Maiden sang about the number of the beast and all that nonsense. They were putting on a show, you know? It was all kind of cringey to me. And Nicko McBrain is a Christian, of all things! Ridiculous."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
