NEW YORK, NY—Rolling Stone has nabbed an exclusive report on the whereabouts of Bat Boy. The 100% true, incredible, shocking article was published as a cover story this month by the reputable magazine, trusted by all for its impeccable fact-checking and vetting process, leading to stories that are not just true, but "double-plus true."
The gripping profile of the pariah Bat Boy chronicled his journey from being born a mutant half-boy, half-bat, to being captured by a shadowy scientific organization run by the United States government, to escaping again, to being captured again, to escaping again, and so on. According to the story, Bat Boy has led a roller coaster of a life since he was first discovered in 1992.
"Yeah, this guy reached out on the phone and said he wanted to tell us his story, and it turned out it was Bat Boy," said Rolling Stone writer Peter Wade. "We didn't really fact-check it or anything, because he did kinda sound like a bat. He screeched and stuff. So we were pretty sure it was true. Anyway, yeah, it was a pretty riveting story. I guess he might have been involved with the whole Wuhan thing, and then he spent a few years finding himself out in the wild, traveling, seeing the sights. He worked at a Portland coffee shop for a few years, and no one batted an eye. We're excited to share his unbelievable but true story with the world at last."
The issue is available on store shelves now, right next to other tabloids like Weekly World News, the National Enquirer, and The New York Times.
UPDATE: The entire story has been retracted as it was entirely made up. Rolling Stone says the error is probably Trump's fault.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
PHILADELPHIA—Researchers with Independence National Historic Park have located an ancient document they say renders all national mandates and restrictions void. The document, dating to 1776, is being referred to as ‘The Declaration of Independence’ by park historians who allege it details the existence of unalienable rights and that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed. Sources indicate the document was found in the park archives, allegedly buried under a stack of Benjamin Franklin’s raunchy poems.
“We don’t usually go near those,” said historian Clay Garrett regarding Franklin’s forbidden writings. “I was definitely not reading them when I found the crumpled-up parchment that later turned out to be our nation’s Declaration of Independence."
Garrett continued, “The fascinating thing about this document is that it says King George III was a tyrant who did a bunch of things President Biden is doing right now. So I’m not really sure what to ...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new "Frequent Looter Rewards Card."
"If you can't beat 'em, I guess all you can do is join 'em," said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. "We don't even have regular shoppers anymore—just looters."
The new punch cards will help looters keep track of their visits and allow store owners to better track their shrink levels so they can more easily make insurance claims.
"Yes, I realize this makes no sense. Some might even call it insane," said Lopez, "but nothing makes sense here in San Francisco. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. The only reason I even still live here is that there are no more U-Hauls available."
San Francisco's DA has confirmed that looters who visit a Walgreens 10 times will be awarded a free pack of cigarettes and a mail-in voter registration.
U.S.—Americans are reacting to newly unearthed statements Biden made during his presidential campaign, in which he claimed that Corn Pop's death was more impactful for the cause of justice than MLK's.
"Listen folks, no joke. I ain't kiddin' around here. For real. I know what I'm talking about. Listen carefully. I'll say this once. No joke," Biden began. "As I stood over the body of the infamous gangster Corn Pop after wrapping a chain around his head, I knew his death would have a much greater far-reaching impact than even the death of MLK. Corn Pop was a bad dude, but his death launched my path to the presidency. If I hadn't become president, the blacks would be back in chains. And a bunch of other blacks would be white due to voting for Trump. He died for a good cause!"
Civil rights leaders have tried to distance themselves from Biden in light of his remarks, at least until his remarks are no longer a part of the news cycle, at which point they will no longer distance themselves....
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