NEW YORK, NY—Rolling Stone has nabbed an exclusive report on the whereabouts of Bat Boy. The 100% true, incredible, shocking article was published as a cover story this month by the reputable magazine, trusted by all for its impeccable fact-checking and vetting process, leading to stories that are not just true, but "double-plus true."
The gripping profile of the pariah Bat Boy chronicled his journey from being born a mutant half-boy, half-bat, to being captured by a shadowy scientific organization run by the United States government, to escaping again, to being captured again, to escaping again, and so on. According to the story, Bat Boy has led a roller coaster of a life since he was first discovered in 1992.
"Yeah, this guy reached out on the phone and said he wanted to tell us his story, and it turned out it was Bat Boy," said Rolling Stone writer Peter Wade. "We didn't really fact-check it or anything, because he did kinda sound like a bat. He screeched and stuff. So we were pretty sure it was true. Anyway, yeah, it was a pretty riveting story. I guess he might have been involved with the whole Wuhan thing, and then he spent a few years finding himself out in the wild, traveling, seeing the sights. He worked at a Portland coffee shop for a few years, and no one batted an eye. We're excited to share his unbelievable but true story with the world at last."
The issue is available on store shelves now, right next to other tabloids like Weekly World News, the National Enquirer, and The New York Times.
UPDATE: The entire story has been retracted as it was entirely made up. Rolling Stone says the error is probably Trump's fault.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
