WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference this morning, Press secretary Jen Psaki proudly confirmed that everyone has made it safely out of Afghanistan and there are no hostages at all.
"The people at the Kabul airport are not hostages," said Psaki. "It would be very irresponsible for us to call them hostages. The word 'hostage' sounds like something from a bad action movie or something. These are merely people being detained against their will until their captors' demands are met. That's not the same thing as being a hostage at all."
Psaki then confirmed that the Taliban's every demand will indeed be met, including every request for money and weapons, as well as every wish they have ever wished upon a star, although that's no guarantee that we will get the "people being detained against their will" back home safely.
"We actually haven't asked for the hos—er, I mean—people being detained against their will—to be released yet," she continued. "We're kinda more just hoping that if we're really nice to the Taliban and shower them with gifts, they'll release the hostages just to be nice. We really don't want to appear too forward here. After all, if we have to ask, it doesn't mean as much."
The Taliban responded by demanding Biden's head on a silver platter. Sources say this should be an easy demand to meet since Biden has a ton of extra heads lying around.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
