U.S.—After Mayor Ted Wheeler of Portland announced a trade and travel ban against Texas due to their ban on abortion, several more states across the country are racing to enact their own abortion bans so that Portland will ban travel to their states as well.
"I'm like, 'whatever' on abortion," said North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper, "but the prospect of being completely cut off from Portland in every way is seriously tempting."
Portland has assured all states that anyone who passes laws outlawing the killing of unborn babies will not see hoards of smelly, mentally ill Portlanders or Antifa thugs entering their states for the foreseeable future. In addition, states will be cut off from Portland's chief export, which is now meth.
Several prominent pro-choice leaders have changed their views on abortion in light of Portland's announcement, saying giving up abortion is a small price to pay to never have to interact with Portland forever.
In addition, several blue states have even offered to pass voter ID laws if Portland will agree to break off from North America and float off into the ocean.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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