U.S.—After Mayor Ted Wheeler of Portland announced a trade and travel ban against Texas due to their ban on abortion, several more states across the country are racing to enact their own abortion bans so that Portland will ban travel to their states as well.
"I'm like, 'whatever' on abortion," said North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper, "but the prospect of being completely cut off from Portland in every way is seriously tempting."
Portland has assured all states that anyone who passes laws outlawing the killing of unborn babies will not see hoards of smelly, mentally ill Portlanders or Antifa thugs entering their states for the foreseeable future. In addition, states will be cut off from Portland's chief export, which is now meth.
Several prominent pro-choice leaders have changed their views on abortion in light of Portland's announcement, saying giving up abortion is a small price to pay to never have to interact with Portland forever.
In addition, several blue states have even offered to pass voter ID laws if Portland will agree to break off from North America and float off into the ocean.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
