BEATTYVILLE, KY—After hearing that Biden was giving away entire arsenals of weapons to the Taliban for free, Republican rednecks throughout America are disguising themselves as the Taliban in hopes of scoring some AR-15s and maybe some Black Hawk helicopters.
Upon seeing new Taliban outposts spring up in red states throughout the country, a terrified Biden surrendered to them unconditionally.
The surrender was total and immediate, with Biden agreeing to all of the rednecks' outrageous terms such as "stop taxing us an insane amount" and "let's stop killing babies, K?"
"Republicans are just like the Taliban? Then I would like to immediately and unconditionally withdraw from their territories and surrender," Biden said to his aides. "Tell them we'll give them whatever they want. Abandon all federal personnel. We need to get out of there immediately. Leave behind all equipment and facilities. Leave no stone... turned? Whatever the expression is that makes sense here."
Biden then addressed the nation in a moving speech.
"My fellow Americans, we find ourselves in a grave situation," he said. Kamala Harris jumped up, excited, at the word "grave" but aides informed her she misunderstood the context and she sadly sat back down. "Republican redneck Taliban have taken over Kentucky and Texas and all the other red states, and we must meet all of their demands and pull out right away. This is a dark day for America, but I can assure you, it is all Trump's fault. Now, where's my pudding?"
At publishing time, sources at the White House had confirmed that Biden had given Republican rednecks over $80 billion in firearms and other military equipment.
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