WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden has unveiled a brand-new jobs plan, in which he will mandate vaccines for private businesses, forcing vaccine-hesitant black people to lose their jobs.
Black Americans, who are statistically more likely to be vaccine-hesitant, stand to lose the most under this plan. When asked about the plan's impact on black Americans, Biden responded: "Colored people? With jobs? Haha, that's funny, Jack! What's next? Black people becoming president? If black people have good-paying jobs, who am I gonna hire to clean my Delaware mansion? You haven't been talking to Corn Pop, have ya?" He then sicced his dog Major on a black mail carrier who was just trying to deliver the mail.
Jen Psaki was also questioned by pouncing right-wing Fox News reporter Peter Doocy on the matter.
"Let me be perfectly clear," said Psaki. "We don't actually care about black people. Whew... wow, it feels so good to finally just say that out loud," she said with a look of relief on her face.
After receiving some more blowback over the new plan, the administration later clarified that black people who refuse vaccination should not be considered actual people with human rights, but should be treated more like cis white males.
"We hope that puts everyone at ease and lays this controversy to rest," said an admin spokesperson.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."