SACRAMENTO, CA—After millions of enthusiastic mail-in ballots decided to let him stay Governor of California, Gavin Newsom is wasting no time, and has announced a brand-new statewide lockdown so that The French Laundry will have plenty of tables open for his victory party.
"The people of California have spoken!" said Newsom to a delighted auditorium full of mail-in ballots. "I know how much you guys love lockdowns, you can't get enough of 'em! So starting today, we're locking down again! Woo hoo!"
The crowd of mail-in ballots clapped and cheered, excited to be locking down again.
"Please be advised," Newsom continued, "that police will be enforcing the lockdown quite strictly in the Yountville area near The French Laundry restaurant. There was a COVID sighting there. Very dangerous. Everyone needs to stay clear of that area. Except for the essential workers like cooks and waiters or whatever, and whoever makes that incredible wagyu with hen egg custard that I love so much."
According to sources, California's middle-class mail-in ballots are really excited for their mail-in ballot kids to keep wearing masks at school, and for their mail-in ballot wives to be barred from spending money at hair salons, which will now be closed forever.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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As one of the few sane people in MA - THANK YOU - for that article about MA just now ie the entire state is declared incompetent! I sent you a one-time donation of $25 just for that. I tell them that all the time too. :)
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
