NEW YORK, NY—In an incredibly touching gesture, Representative Ocasio-Cortez has donated her designer ‘Tax The Rich’ dress to her dear Abuela to help cover a few of the holes in her roof.
“When I think about how people in New York are like, enjoying exorbitant parties while my poor Abuela suffers in poverty, it’s like so infuriating,” said Ocasio-Cortez. “The government is supposed to give you a Tesla, pay for you to go to galas, and then eat sushi handed to you by an ingrate who better not show their face. But the government isn’t doing that for my sweet Abuela! Instead, she lives in poverty with all these holes in her roof, which is sad and gross.”
Sources say that AOC had planned to continue doing nothing for her family and leaving it to the government, but a social media director felt the image of her ‘Tax The Rich’ dress covering some holes in a roof would be ‘dope’.
“I am super sad to lose this dress, but we’re going to use the same lettering to make my ‘Tax The Rich’ private jet we will fly to Puerto Rico,” said AOC. “Which, by the way, the fact that everyone does not have their own Gulfstream is horrible. People are out there breaking into businesses just to get bread, instead of flying cool jets – all because we won’t tax the rich!”
At publishing time, AOC had considered canceling the trip over security concerns – however, she changed her mind after she found out she could pay her security guards to wear ‘Defund The Police' t-shirts.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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