ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has cautioned Americans against taking the red pill, as it can lead to severe side effects such as "realizing the truth about the way our society is manipulated by the elites" and "spending all your time on YouTube watching Jordan Peterson videos."
According to the CDC, many are overdosing on red pills, which are a black market drug that has never been approved by the American government.
"We've seen a lot of people recommend taking the red pill," said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. "And we just have to remind everyone that the CDC is not approved by the FDA or any other governing body. It could spread ideas like that freedom is a good thing and that thinking for yourself is a healthy American value. People might start getting the wrong idea."
Walensky said the red pill is contagious, and that just one person taking it could lead to more and more instances of people thinking outside the box of conventional opinion and questioning their leaders.
Meanwhile, the FDA is rushing out an emergency approval process on a new, stronger blue pill to counteract the red pill crisis.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."