WASHINGTON, D.C.—A tranquil morning at the Democratic Party headquarters this morning was interrupted by a sudden piercing sound: the "Black People Expressing Unapproved Opinions" alarms installed throughout the building.
Whenever a person of color expresses an opinion that has not been expressly approved by the Party, the alarms warn Democrats that they need to get that black person back in line. It's gone off many times over the years, with black people such as Kanye West, Larry Elder, and Martin Luther King, Jr. having triggered the siren.
Democrats immediately scrambled to their battle stations to do damage control over the rogue thought.
"This kind of independent thought cannot go unchecked," Nancy Pelosi said in an emergency meeting of Democratic leaders. "This woman of color is saying something she believes that we have not approved -- we need to get her back safely within the boundaries we have set for black people to think in."
"How are we going to stop her?" screamed one frantic aide. "This is destroying our entire narrative!"
"Quick -- let's release a new variant!" Dr. Fauci responded. "I'll get one rolling immediately."
At publishing time, Democrats had announced their plan to strip Nicki Minaj of her "brave woman of color" status and treat her as they would a cishet white male.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
