REDMOND, WA—In what many call a “science miracle,” a mask worn by four-year-old Addison Stephens developed a stain that some say looks just like Dr. Anthony Fauci.
“I was so surprised when I saw it,” said Delores Stephens, the mother of Addison. After the Stephenses returned home from Addison’s weekly allotted outside time, Delores instantly saw the stain on the mask and exclaimed, “There is our savior!”
News spread quickly, and now thousands are coming to see the mask with the face of Fauci on it, though all the gathered worshipers are masking up and staying socially distanced. And only the vaccinated are allowed to approach the mask.
“I think science is trying to communicate with us through it,” said school teacher Robyn Copeland, who traveled one thousand miles — driving a car alone while masked — to see the miraculous image of Fauci.
As for the boy who wore the mask, Addison was asked how he thinks the face of Fauci appeared, and he said it was from “eating a popsicle, and I forgot I had a mask.” He also added that the mask “should go in the garbage. Masks are garbage.”
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."