WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Federal Bureau of Investigation is disappointed by the low attendance at the D.C. rally they organized for Trump supporters today.
In spite of the FBI's best efforts to lure a bunch of angry MAGA insurrectionists to the Capitol this weekend, only a few hundred FBI agents dressed as MAGA insurrectionists showed up.
"Ivermectin! Get your hot, fresh Ivermectin HEEEERRRRE!" cried one agent selling bootleg Ivermectin tablets from Tractor Supply Company. Unfortunately, he only made a couple of sales to a few other FBI agents from other field offices he didn't recognize.
"Greetings, fellow Trump supporters," said another agent. "Let's go insurrect the government, shall we, fellas? Maybe kidnap Gretchen Whitmer? Whadaya say boys? Say—I sure do love racism!" He was then immediately tackled by three other FBI agents who dragged him to an unmarked van.
Another field agent passed out flyers for a "Super Secret Satanic Pedophile Meeting", but was sad to find there were no takers, except one lady named Hillaria Clintonania.
"Man, to put so much work into something, only to have it flop like this, it kind of hurts, you know?" said Agent Arlo Chitbag, who had organized the event. "No one even seemed interested in my 'Make Your Own Pipe Bomb' booth!"
The discouraged FBI agents will reportedly unwind this evening by spying on people through their webcams before attending their monthly Satanic pedophile meeting.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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