WASHINGTON, D.C.—Dr. Fauci was uninvited from his typical weekly board game night after his gaming buddies simply couldn't stand it anymore as he kept making up the rules every time he played a game. According to other members of the hardcore tabletop game group, Fauci changed the rules in the middle over and over again and kept claiming he was just "following the rulebook."
This first came up when Fauci and his pals were playing a game of Pandemic. Other players were doing a decent job keeping the disease cubes in check and working toward a cure when Fauci's turn rolled around. He immediately started throwing his cards up in the air, picked up a bunch of yellow cubes from Lagos, and began chewing on them.
"What are you doing?!" asked Clyde, a regular at Fauci's local game shop.
"Yeah, uh... chewing on the cubes eradicates them. It's science. Right in the rulebook."
"I mean... technically, I guess it does eradicate them," Clyde said, shrugging.
Fauci then pulled out a Space Marine figure from his Warhammer collection and began blasting all the cubes away. "PEW PEW PEW! BLEH I'M DEAD!" he cried as he had the Marine use his Bolter to blast everything on the board. "There. We won! Great job guys. I should get an award. What game is next?"
The doctor then made up a rule that all astronauts had to be distanced by at least six tiles in Galaxy Trucker and that the Rebels had to surrender to the Empire by galactic law in Star Wars: Rebellion. The last straw was when he tried to forcibly shut down all the small hotel chains in Acquire and only let the giant monopolies win.
"Those guys suck," Fauci said through tears after flipping the board, taking his stack of games, and leaving. "I didn't want to play with them anyway."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
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