WASHINGTON, D.C.—If there's one thing President Joe Biden is known for, it is being a complete and utter failure at everything. What Biden has particularly failed at is stopping the spread of COVID-19. Still, people have noticed that there is one place that COVID hasn’t spread to: outer space. But Biden isn’t getting any credit for that, because most people credit that to former President Trump’s famous Space Force.
“I specifically designed Space Force to be the best force ever made,” Trump explained to the press. “Way better than Delta Force or even the Force from Star Wars. That’s why nothing gets by them, and thus since I’ve made Space Force, in space, there have been no terrorists, no drug lords, no graffiti artists, and no coronavirus.”
The Biden administration has fought back against the idea that the excellent record on COVID in space is due to Space Force, instead saying that the lack of COVID in space is because of Biden’s strict masking and vaccine policies. Trump has dismissed this idea.
“Vaccines don’t work in space because of space radiation,” Trump explained. “This is basic space science. No, the only reason space is so safe is because of my Space Force patrolling space with its space lasers. That’s because I did everything perfectly as president... except for letting the election get stolen from me. That was my one and only mistake.”
Trump said that if he were still president, he would have designed a type of Space Force that operated on Earth to eliminate COVID here, but since he’s not president, that won’t happen, and “most likely everyone is going to die.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.
“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”
While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.
“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, ...
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