WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an unusual legal twist, defendants charged in the January 6 riots have asked to have their charges reclassified to include child abuse so that the FBI will lose interest and move on to something more important.
"We here at the Bureau deeply apologize for arresting all those alleged rioters, who it turns out were only serially abusive pedophiles," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "No child molester should ever have to suffer such indignity at our hands. We promise we will make this right, whether that means forging testimony, burying allegations - whatever it takes to ensure those twisted perverts walk free."
Several of those involved in the January 6th riots expressed discomfort at admitting to pedophilia, but the FBI was adamant that such an admission meant a free pass. "Look, I shattered a window, I deserved to get in trouble - but they were telling me I was staring down five years of jail time!" said shop teacher James Copeland. "Then my lawyer comes in and tells me if I just say I'm a pedophile, all of this can go away. Made me sick to my stomach, but I can't go to jail. Got actual kids to take care of."
FBI leaders past and present expressed deep dismay after learning that valuable resources had been wasted on child abusers that could have been spent investigating former President Trump. "This really is a dark stain on the Bureau," said former FBI Chief Andrew McCabe. "We have exacting standards, which involve ignoring vulnerable people to go after politically high-profile cases in order to get more fame and money. It's time for some soul-searching."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
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