OTTAWA—After calling an early election, as is his kingly right, Justin Trudeau appears to have narrowly carried enough votes in yesterday's election to secure another term as Sultan of Canada.
"Bring my camel, bring my scimitar!" laughed Trudeau as he carefully applied blackface. "I told everyone the genie had guaranteed a win! Oh man, this never gets old. We're having a massive victory party tonight, I'm bringing in some elephants, belly dancers, my entire harem, the whole shebang. Or the whole he-bang...or, um, people-bang. Nevermind."
Canadians again handed more votes to the rival Conservative party, but it turns out elections in Canada are actually determined by Tim Horton's and no one knows if votes even count. The election is expected to change nothing politically, making it a bit silly to begin with, kind of like Canada.
"It really is a privilege to continue being the Sultan Of Ottawa, as I like to call myself," said Trudeau, presumably beaming under all the makeup. "We've been through some dark times lately, darker than my dark face. But a new light is coming, a rebound—or she-bound—for the great nation of Canada. Now, where's my turban??"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
State and local officials rush to create a catalog of minors to hand over to those on the Epstein client list.
"We want to protect the children" This new bill (Illinois SB 3977) is very similar to the recently passed California bill (and the introduced Colorado bill) and, if passed, would set a deadline of January 1st, 2028 for compliance.
https://legiscan.com/IL/bill/SB3977/2025
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
