OTTAWA—After calling an early election, as is his kingly right, Justin Trudeau appears to have narrowly carried enough votes in yesterday's election to secure another term as Sultan of Canada.
"Bring my camel, bring my scimitar!" laughed Trudeau as he carefully applied blackface. "I told everyone the genie had guaranteed a win! Oh man, this never gets old. We're having a massive victory party tonight, I'm bringing in some elephants, belly dancers, my entire harem, the whole shebang. Or the whole he-bang...or, um, people-bang. Nevermind."
Canadians again handed more votes to the rival Conservative party, but it turns out elections in Canada are actually determined by Tim Horton's and no one knows if votes even count. The election is expected to change nothing politically, making it a bit silly to begin with, kind of like Canada.
"It really is a privilege to continue being the Sultan Of Ottawa, as I like to call myself," said Trudeau, presumably beaming under all the makeup. "We've been through some dark times lately, darker than my dark face. But a new light is coming, a rebound—or she-bound—for the great nation of Canada. Now, where's my turban??"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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