SYDNEY—In the early morning hours of September 28, 2021, General Donald Trump gathered his troops on the beaches of Hawaii and gave an inspiring speech to the men who were about to heroically sacrifice their lives to liberate Australia.
The assault is being called the largest amphibious invasion in history, as Trump gathered his supporters to help free the people of Australia from fascist rule.
"Listen up, men," Trump said in the grey dawn as they prepared to embark on their boats and LCVPs. "You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade—the greatest, maybe ever. It's a fantastic, tremendous crusade. It was one of mine, one of my best ideas."
"We will accept nothing less than full victory. We won't surrender like that pathetic loser Joe Biden. What an idiot! Good Luck!"
"We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight in the outback, we shall fight in the desert and in the opera house, we shall fight no matter how big their spiders and kangaroos are; we shall never surrender!"
"Tally ho, boys!"
Cheers went up from the gathered freedom fighters, and they embarked toward Sydney to liberate the people of Australia. Unfortunately, Trump got a toe cramp as soon as he hit the beaches and was given a deferment so he didn't have to fight.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."