BROOKLYN, NY—After a weeks-long trial, R&B Singer R. Kelly has been found to be an evil abuser, guilty of the crimes of racketeering and sex trafficking while failing to be the son of the President.
"Living the Hunter Biden lifestyle while failing to be Hunter Biden is a very serious offense," said prosecutors to the media. "We are seeking the maximum sentence of life in prison for this horrific crime."
According to legal experts, you should always make sure you are the white, wealthy son of a U.S. President before engaging in sex trafficking and racketeering. Since R. Kelly callously failed to do that, he will go to prison instead of making millions of dollars and being awarded a job as a college professor like Hunter Biden.
"We are so pleased Justice has been served today," said prosecutors. "We hope this serves as a reminder that you should always check to make sure you are a member of the powerful elite class before engaging in Hunter Biden-like activity."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
