ALBANY, NY—New York atheists have come out in force against the COVID-19 vaccine after learning that their state’s Governor Kathy Hochul claimed that God made the scientists, doctors, and researchers invent the vaccine. The state’s atheists were further incensed when Hochul displayed a religious emblem hanging from her neck that symbolized her acceptance of the holy vaccine.
Crowds of atheists pressed into the State Health Department’s headquarters to submit forms seeking religious exemptions from the vaccine requirement.
"We're sick of these religious nutjobs in government forcing their religious convictions on the rest of us!" said Brett Winstone, president of the local Free Thinkers Society chapter. "This is not a theocracy! You will not force your god vaccine into our atheist veins!"
“A religious exemption for atheists like me makes perfect sense,” said fervent atheist Craig Nostic. “I mean, we’re always thinking about religion and talking about religion. My Christian friends are actually kind of sick of how I won’t stop talking about religion."
When word spread that their religious exemptions would be accepted, the crowd of atheists fell to their knees in humility and offered praise and gratitude to the cold, unforgiving, empty, endless void.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."