ANN ARBOR, MI—Janice Donaldson, thirty-year-old schoolteacher and Don Lemon superfan, forlornly looked out her bedroom window, wondering if the day would ever come when she could safely leave the confines of her well-Cloroxed home.
"Can you imagine how it will feel one day to just be able to go to the grocery store again?" she said as she placed another delivery order for canned goods. "Even to be able to eat produce would be so nice, instead of having to quarantine these canned tomatoes in a closet before roasting out all the germs."
Across the street, families were enjoying a tailgate before heading out to watch football, but Ms. Donaldson's view was obstructed by the signs she had hung warning visitors to leave packages at the end of the driveway and run. Most of her time was spent with her cat, who enjoyed her owner's clinical depression, as the cat was possessed with several demons.
"I was so elated to finally get the vaccine—only to learn from our dear President that I could still die at any moment if I came across some unvaccinated imbecile," said Ms. Donaldson, clutching her Dr. Fauci pillow. "Then I held out hope for the booster, but now I see all of my heroes, even with a booster, still wearing masks and sitting far apart. Maybe one more year to herd immunity? Gosh, to just see my family, grill out, go to a restaurant, maybe someday even go watch Michigan football self-destruct in person! A girl can dream."
Ms. Donaldson confirmed that even if everything one day went back to normal, she would still prefer children wore masks, because, gross.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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