SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Newsom announced a groundbreaking, innovative new plan to get millions of Californian families to switch to homeschooling last week.
"Our public schools are failing, and this ought to help families find much better education options elsewhere," he said during a press conference as aides attended to his gel-soaked head. "I was trying to think of ways to get more Californians to homeschool, as it's just, like, way better in terms of educational outcomes than our terrible public schools. And then it hit me: mandate healthcare people don't want, especially black people, and then presto! They'll just switch to homeschooling. It's the perfect plan!"
The move will also help ease the burden on California's public schools, reducing class sizes and providing much-needed relief to overworked teachers, who have also praised Newsom's plan to kick kids out of school.
"Homeschool! Homeschool! Homeschool!" Newsom shouted at the conclusion of the press conference, trying to get a chant going.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed the move would also send millions fleeing for other states, helping ease the stress on California's power grid and water supply.
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