WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden’s spending bill is in jeopardy unless Democrats can get Senator Kyrsten Sinema on board. They’ve mostly used activists to hound her and try to get her vote, screaming at her wherever she is. In one last-ditch effort, though, several top Democrats made their final plea to Sinema.
Sinema, thinking she was alone during her morning shower, felt a tap on her shoulder. “We need to talk about the $3.5 trillion social spending bill,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer.
What followed was a series of shrieks and screams from Sinema.
“Did we catch you at a bad time?” asked Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
“GET OUT!” Sinema screamed.
“Okay, I know this is a little inconvenient for you,” said Schumer, “but it’s a really important bill.”
“This is beyond inappropriate!” Sinema yelled.
“But the bill is just so important,” Schumer stated. “It’s got... well...” He looked at Pelosi. “What’s in the bill again?”
“It’s got stuff on climate change and immigration, I think,” said Pelosi. “Let’s ask the lobbyist.”
A lobbyist stepped into the shower holding up a phone. “Spending lots of money is great!” he said. “Spend lots of money!”
“Is he filming this?” Sinema asked.
“It’s going to be on Tik Tok,” Schumer answered. “Kids love that.”
“I’m going to have all you pervs arrested!”
“Hey, it’s a really important bill,” Schumer explained. “More important than your privacy, because if it doesn’t get passed... then... uh...”
“Bad things happen,” Pelosi added.
“Yeah, bad things,” Schumer said. “Because whatever the bill is funding doesn't get funded.”
A smiling President Biden stepped into the shower. “Hey, Kyrsten!”
“Did you have something to add to the argument for the bill?” Schumer asked.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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