PALM BEACH, FL—During a rally today, former and future president Donald Trump announced he is filing a lawsuit against Facebook for a recent quiz he took on the social media platform that sorted him into House Hufflepuff.
Trump said he took the quiz last week and was "shocked" by the "blatant, totally wrong misinformation" on the platform.
"I'd totally be a Gryffindor! Fake news!" he shouted as the crowd booed wildly. "I'm the most Gryffindor Gryffindor of all time! Everyone says so! Just look at this description: 'courage, chivalry, determination.' What's more determined than still claiming I won the election ten months later? Nothing! You wouldn't see a Hufflepuff do that! A Hufflepuff would just roll over and let Sleepy Joe win! Not good!"
According to sources, Trump had answered various questions such as "A first-year drops his books in the hall, what do you do?" and "What is your favorite class at Hogwarts?", greatly enjoying imagining what he would do in various situations at Hogwarts. But as soon as the result came on the screen and said "You would be in Hufflepuff!", he immediately called his lawyers.
At publishing time, Trump had begun leading the crowd in a chant of "F--- Mark Zuckerberg!"
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."