SACRAMENTO, CA—California has ordered the immediate arrest of any children who pick out toys traditionally associated with their gender.
Local police have been ordered by Sacramento to patrol toy stores and big box stores in order to find kids violating the new law stating that children must play with toys they do not like.
"Whether we're talking about a boy who picks out a Tonka truck or a girl who chooses a Barbie, we've ordered them to be arrested and taken into custody on sight," said Governor Gavin Newsom. "We don't want to shoot them, but we will if they resist by insisting on playing with their gendered toys."
"All kids should enjoy just being genderless blobs with no preferences here in the progressive state of California."
"DROP THE TONKA TRUCK AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!" shouted one officer as he saw a boy pick up a yellow dump truck from a Target store shelf in Sacramento. "DON'T MOVE PUNK!" The boy was taken into custody and sent to a gender reeducation camp to learn to do better, pick his new pronouns, and make license plates for Kamala Harris.
Luckily for wayward kids, the law probably won't be in effect for very long, as every store in California is expected to move to Texas by the end of the year.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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