MUSHROOM KINGDOM—The Mushroom Kingdom's economy has continued to topple as rapid hyperinflation devastates the country's currency, the gold coin.
Economists have long warned this could happen. Decades ago, the Mushroom Kingdom featured relatively few coins. But since abandoning the gold standard, the kingdom has been plagued by inflation. The King has been criticized for recklessly printing coins and scattering them all over the kingdom's levels willy-nilly.
"Back in the '80s, when the coins were still backed by the gold standard, Mario could gather 20-30 coins in a solid level run," said Mushroom Kingdom economist Toad. "Now, he can't jump over a Piranha Plant without nabbing a hundred smackeroos."
"It's begun to bring down the quality of life of the entire kingdom, from Bullet Bills to Chain Chomps. Everyone is affected," the economist added.
Once-wealthy national icons Mario and Luigi were seen breaking into a zoo to eat Koopas and Goombas just to stay alive. Unemployment has shot up to nearly 90%, with even the typically steady plumbing work the Mario brothers engage in taking a massive hit.
"If we're going to turn this around, we need to end the central banking system, remove regulations on cryptocurrencies, and return to the gold standard," Toad said.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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