ARLINGTON, VA—Members of 18th Baptist Church in Arlington were treated to a very special message from Vice President Kamala Harris this past Sunday, reminding them to exercise their faith in an almighty, holy God by voting for Democrats. Unfortunately, the service was cut short by a shower of fire and brimstone from heaven.
"I want you to remember to vote for Democrats, just as Jesus would do," began Vice President Harris. "Wonderful Democrats like Terry McAuliffe want your kids to be forever trapped in government schools with free access to gender reassignment surgery and abortion, just like Jesus! HAHAHAHAHA! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!"
Kamala's charming, folksy appeal was sadly cut short as a massive chunk of flaming brimstone crashed through the ceiling and flattened the sound booth. Soon, fire and sulfur were raining down from a blackened sky, consuming everything in sight as churchgoers ran for cover.
The DNC has blamed the horrific fiery judgment on Republicans.
In related news, sources report First Baptist Church pastor Robert Jeffress was struck by lightning after playing a Sunday video message from Trump.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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