KABUL—With an unknown score of American citizens still trapped by the Taliban, and being kind of whiny about it, the Washington Post today called on those Americans to stop being so needy.
"Citizens stuck as hostages under the rule of a ruthless terrorist organization can't expect the U.S. government to just drop whatever it's doing and come help," said columnist Micheline Maynard. "Yeah, you may not want to be executed, and you may want to see your family again—but it's not all about you, ok? The military is pretty busy. They have lots of ceremonies to perform putting guys who think they are girls in charge of other guys."
Maynard further criticized people for being so dismissive of life under the Taliban, as if western European liberalism was some normative ideal. "People have gotten so spoiled in America, thinking that having food in grocery stores, or gay people not being thrown off a roof, is somehow the 'right' way to do society. Maybe cutting people's hands off for stealing is a good thing? Don't be so invested in your white supremacist, capitalist viewpoint to not appreciate what you have in the Taliban."
Countries around the world took to Maynard's clarion call, with great leaders like Kim Jong Un and Xi Jinping echoing her sentiment. "We now proudly have the Washington Post delivered to every Uighur in the concentration camps," said President Xi. "Any time they complain about wanting to have kids or be reunited with their parents, we remind them that the real problem is their inflated expectations of society. It's been a real help to see America on board with this."
Likewise, Afghani women who used to have jobs, go to school, and have some semblance of rights have been told by the Taliban to simply lower their expectations.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.