KABUL—With an unknown score of American citizens still trapped by the Taliban, and being kind of whiny about it, the Washington Post today called on those Americans to stop being so needy.
"Citizens stuck as hostages under the rule of a ruthless terrorist organization can't expect the U.S. government to just drop whatever it's doing and come help," said columnist Micheline Maynard. "Yeah, you may not want to be executed, and you may want to see your family again—but it's not all about you, ok? The military is pretty busy. They have lots of ceremonies to perform putting guys who think they are girls in charge of other guys."
Maynard further criticized people for being so dismissive of life under the Taliban, as if western European liberalism was some normative ideal. "People have gotten so spoiled in America, thinking that having food in grocery stores, or gay people not being thrown off a roof, is somehow the 'right' way to do society. Maybe cutting people's hands off for stealing is a good thing? Don't be so invested in your white supremacist, capitalist viewpoint to not appreciate what you have in the Taliban."
Countries around the world took to Maynard's clarion call, with great leaders like Kim Jong Un and Xi Jinping echoing her sentiment. "We now proudly have the Washington Post delivered to every Uighur in the concentration camps," said President Xi. "Any time they complain about wanting to have kids or be reunited with their parents, we remind them that the real problem is their inflated expectations of society. It's been a real help to see America on board with this."
Likewise, Afghani women who used to have jobs, go to school, and have some semblance of rights have been told by the Taliban to simply lower their expectations.
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"It's become such a wonderful tradition to ring in the beautiful autumn season by covering my home with fall decor," Carol said as she strategically placed dried leaves and withered straw around her living room.
"Fall is here! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" said a spokeswife for the American Wives Union in an official statement.
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