BEIJING—As the arms race between the United States and China heats up, Beijing has unveiled its deadliest weapon yet: an ICBM that can be launched through space and then fly over America playing Dave Chappelle jokes.
China tested the missile with a launch into U.S. airspace earlier this week. We would have shot it down, but our generals were too busy in a CRT training seminar led by four-star general Rachel Levine.
"We're doomed! Everyone run for your lives!" screamed one liberal in San Francisco as the missile flew overhead playing his latest special. "He's saying things that are off-color and humorous in order to invoke the involuntary response of laughter! Cover your ears!"
Schools across the U.S. have been preparing for this fateful day, with "duck and plug your ears from the words that might offend you" drills every morning. But experts believe it will do little to drown out the hurtful words.
The missile flew over Netflix's headquarters in Los Gatos, where employees had gathered outside for a protest against Chappelle's comedy special. They screamed and ran for cover, but it was too late. They were all caught in the blast of the comedian's joke about trans people.
The death count is already at 81 million, sources somberly confirmed.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
