BEIJING—As the arms race between the United States and China heats up, Beijing has unveiled its deadliest weapon yet: an ICBM that can be launched through space and then fly over America playing Dave Chappelle jokes.
China tested the missile with a launch into U.S. airspace earlier this week. We would have shot it down, but our generals were too busy in a CRT training seminar led by four-star general Rachel Levine.
"We're doomed! Everyone run for your lives!" screamed one liberal in San Francisco as the missile flew overhead playing his latest special. "He's saying things that are off-color and humorous in order to invoke the involuntary response of laughter! Cover your ears!"
Schools across the U.S. have been preparing for this fateful day, with "duck and plug your ears from the words that might offend you" drills every morning. But experts believe it will do little to drown out the hurtful words.
The missile flew over Netflix's headquarters in Los Gatos, where employees had gathered outside for a protest against Chappelle's comedy special. They screamed and ran for cover, but it was too late. They were all caught in the blast of the comedian's joke about trans people.
The death count is already at 81 million, sources somberly confirmed.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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