ADVENTURE BAY—A new threat has arisen from the wreckage of Foggy Bottom, a diabolical menace the likes of which the Paw Patrol has never encountered: Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Ryder, bereft of family or age-appropriate friends, was playing checkers with his pup Zuma when a phone call arrived from local biologist Cap'n Turbot. "Ryder! We need you right away, there's a big disturbance coming from Foggy Bottom!" he cried.
"What is it Cap'n Turbot? Is that silly old Mayor Humdinger trying to steal all the chickens again?" replied Ryder with a laugh.
"No!" said a shaken Cap'n. "There's a lunatic threatening to unleash a deadly pandemic and he says he'll cut out the pups' vocal cords and torture them if they try to stop him!"
"Wow, Cap'n! That really took a dark turn!" said Ryder. "We'll be there right away. Pups, to the lookout!"
The pups ran howling to the lookout, tumbling their way into the elevator thanks to that klutz Marshall, who suffers from an undiagnosed neurologic condition that no one seems to care about. Ryder then deployed his pups, keeping Skye hovering above, Chase to catch Fauci with a net, and Tracker to meet a diversity requirement. The battle for Adventure Bay was a sordid affair filled with sand fly torture, waterboarding, and other heinous acts not fit for Nick Jr., but in the end, the pups came out on top.
"Thanks for saving us from having to watch people worship that maniac as some sort of demi-god!" said Mayor Goodway.
"You bet," said Ryder. "Whenever there's a pathological narcissist using a deadly pandemic as a pretext to seize authoritarian control, just yelp for help!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."