COSTA MESA, CA—Local megachurch Sailors' Fellowship unveiled a much-requested feature today: a sports ticker that updates parishioners on their favorite sports teams' scores and other news items during the service.
The move has driven droves of men back to church, men who would have loved to be part of the body of Christ but couldn't bear not to know what was happening in the NFL every waking moment of their lives. The church says they are excited by this development, and they hope to attract more members of the community who aren't all that serious about following Jesus.
"Now, you can follow your fantasy football picks or just your favorite teams right up on the screen here," said Pastor Craig Billings, lead pastor of performative arts and relevant outreach to the unchurched. "You don't even need to pretend to be following along in your Bible app and look down to check the scores. You can learn how you can face the Goliaths in your life while you see whether or not Derrick Henry is getting as many rushing yards as you need to win your matchup this week."
"You get the gospel and you get all the things of the world. You no longer have to pick between the two."
At publishing time, Billings had clarified that the actual gospel may not be included in the church's message.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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