NEW YORK, NY—Nick Jr. has announced a new, darker season of Paw Patrol this year. According to sources, one upcoming episode will feature an epic showdown between Ryder's team of pups and the notorious puppy torturer Dr. Fauci.
According to a plot synopsis leaked online, Ryder receives a call from local biologist Cap'n Turbot. "Ryder! We need you right away, there's a big disturbance coming from Foggy Bottom!" he cries.
"What is it Cap'n Turbot? Is that silly old Mayor Humdinger trying to steal all the chickens again?" replies Ryder with a laugh.
"No!" says a shaken Cap'n. "There's a lunatic threatening to unleash a deadly pandemic and he says he'll cut out the pups' vocal cords and torture them if they try to stop him!"
"Wow, Cap'n! That really took a dark turn!" says Ryder. "We'll be there right away. Pups, to the lookout!"
The pups run howling to the lookout, tumbling their way into the elevator thanks to that klutz Marshall, who suffers from an undiagnosed neurologic condition that no one seems to care about. Ryder then deploys his pups, keeping Skye hovering above, Chase to catch Fauci with a net, and Tracker to meet a diversity requirement. The battle for Adventure Bay is a disturbing tale filled with sand fly torture, waterboarding, and other heinous acts not fit for Nick Jr., but in the end, the pups come out on top.
"Thanks for saving us from having to watch people worship that maniac as some sort of demi-god!" says Mayor Goodway.
"You bet," says Ryder. "Whenever there's a pathological narcissist using a deadly pandemic as a pretext to seize authoritarian control, just yelp for help!"
The episode is expected to air later this year.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TRENTON, NJ—In a landmark ruling handed down in a lower-level family court Monday, Judge Marcus Parsons ruled that a husband can in fact be held responsible for actions taken completely in his wife's fevered imagination during her dreams.
The ruling sent shockwaves through the husband community, as husbands may now be liable for cheating, negligence, and even bizarre and brutal murders they commit in their wife's mind.
In this particular case, Judge Parsons ruled that defendant Henry Wallace would be criminally and civilly responsible for cheating on his wife in her dream. She claimed that Wallace went to a whorehouse in the Old West in her dream the previous night and should be prosecuted for this. After his visit, he reportedly hijacked an Apache attack helicopter and bombed the Statue of Liberty before riding a giant cat into space, where he intended to cheat on her with millions of space women, and then she woke up.
"I don't remember doing any of that!" he protested. "How on earth...
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