NEW YORK, NY—Nick Jr. has announced a new, darker season of Paw Patrol this year. According to sources, one upcoming episode will feature an epic showdown between Ryder's team of pups and the notorious puppy torturer Dr. Fauci.
According to a plot synopsis leaked online, Ryder receives a call from local biologist Cap'n Turbot. "Ryder! We need you right away, there's a big disturbance coming from Foggy Bottom!" he cries.
"What is it Cap'n Turbot? Is that silly old Mayor Humdinger trying to steal all the chickens again?" replies Ryder with a laugh.
"No!" says a shaken Cap'n. "There's a lunatic threatening to unleash a deadly pandemic and he says he'll cut out the pups' vocal cords and torture them if they try to stop him!"
"Wow, Cap'n! That really took a dark turn!" says Ryder. "We'll be there right away. Pups, to the lookout!"
The pups run howling to the lookout, tumbling their way into the elevator thanks to that klutz Marshall, who suffers from an undiagnosed neurologic condition that no one seems to care about. Ryder then deploys his pups, keeping Skye hovering above, Chase to catch Fauci with a net, and Tracker to meet a diversity requirement. The battle for Adventure Bay is a disturbing tale filled with sand fly torture, waterboarding, and other heinous acts not fit for Nick Jr., but in the end, the pups come out on top.
"Thanks for saving us from having to watch people worship that maniac as some sort of demi-god!" says Mayor Goodway.
"You bet," says Ryder. "Whenever there's a pathological narcissist using a deadly pandemic as a pretext to seize authoritarian control, just yelp for help!"
The episode is expected to air later this year.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."