WASHINGTON, D.C.—Dr. Anthony Fauci is embroiled in controversy over his organization reportedly funding an experiment in which dogs had their heads trapped in cages and were eaten by sandflies alive, which we are told is a perfectly normal procedure performed by scientists as well as psychopathic killers in horror movies.
Fauci is hoping that the uproar over the dogs will distract everyone from something he did that was far worse: perform experiments on the populace of the United States for the past eighteen months.
"Now that everyone's upset about the puppies, maybe they'll forget about how I played god with their lives for the last year and a half," he confided to a friend, according to an anonymous source. "Everyone loves puppies. Well, except me, because I'm an evil bad guy. But people get real mad when you kill dogs for some reason. They'll get upset about this and probably try to cancel me. You know, this whole 'cancel culture' thing is really getting out of hand. You torture and murder a few dozen puppies and suddenly everyone's out to get you."
But Fauci went on to say that he thinks it's a positive development in the end, as "people have really short attention spans and they'll forget that I did something way worse than off a few dumb dogs—I experimented with the lives of 330 million people and got away with it scot-free."
Fauci then got in his evil Zeppelin and flew off to his Lair of Evilness to hatch his next villainous plot.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
