MENLO PARK, CA—Genius billionaire and totally human Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced he is building a brand new virtual reality world for everyone to live in, which he calls the "Metaverse." To help everyone plug in and get completely immersed in the virtual world, Facebook Meta has introduced high-tech virtual reality pods.
"Our Meta-Pods are state of the art," said Zuckerberg in his classic warm and fully-human way. "You will submerge yourself in this gooey clear jelly for maximum comfort, and simply plug this giant cable into your head! And the pods are very energy efficient since they use a form of fusion to convert your body's energy into electricity! Cool!"
Meta has partnered with the U.S. Government to provide pods for every person in America, which will be delivered to everyone's homes next week. To incentivize people to jump into the exciting new virtual universe, the Biden Administration will implement a 300% tax increase for anyone who doesn't use the pod for at least 6 hours per day.
"We know how much you all love Facebook and how Facebook has made the world a better place," said Zuckerberg. "We're excited to give you more Facebook by immersing you in it 24/7! You're welcome!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.
“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”
While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.
“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, ...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.