MENLO PARK, CA—Genius billionaire and totally human Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced he is building a brand new virtual reality world for everyone to live in, which he calls the "Metaverse." To help everyone plug in and get completely immersed in the virtual world, Facebook Meta has introduced high-tech virtual reality pods.
"Our Meta-Pods are state of the art," said Zuckerberg in his classic warm and fully-human way. "You will submerge yourself in this gooey clear jelly for maximum comfort, and simply plug this giant cable into your head! And the pods are very energy efficient since they use a form of fusion to convert your body's energy into electricity! Cool!"
Meta has partnered with the U.S. Government to provide pods for every person in America, which will be delivered to everyone's homes next week. To incentivize people to jump into the exciting new virtual universe, the Biden Administration will implement a 300% tax increase for anyone who doesn't use the pod for at least 6 hours per day.
"We know how much you all love Facebook and how Facebook has made the world a better place," said Zuckerberg. "We're excited to give you more Facebook by immersing you in it 24/7! You're welcome!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."