DEL RIO, TX—Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg announced that the supply chain crisis wreaking havoc on the nation’s economy has been resolved, and praised Biden’s brilliance and ingenuity in proposing the solution: Ask each migrant coming into the country to help carry a shipping container.
“Big, big shiny boats are flocking to the shores of Mexico,” said the cabinet member. “And all the choo-choo trains and beep-beep vroom-vrooms can't handle all the containers! Oh no! So let's just have the thousands and thousands of migrants carry them in! It’s a solution that can only be attributed to Biden’s progressive policies.”
One immigrant praised the opportunity to have a job before even entering the United States illegally. “It’s unbelievable that only a few weeks ago the White House sent my family a personal invitation, map, GPS, and detailed instructions on how to cross the border illegally, and here I am now, using my skills to carry shipping containers and boost the American economy for a modest $450,000 salary. Gracias Señor!”
Border Patrol agents trying to stop the illegal immigrants from bringing the vital shipments into the country were arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
