ATLANTA, GA—CNN, America's bastion of independent journalism, featured every single anchor pooping their pants on air today in a touching show of support for President Biden.
"Our dear hero, the inimitable and faultless President Biden, puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. Then, he poops in them," said Brian Stelter as he assumed the position. "So what, ok? We've all done it. There's such a stigma around world leaders randomly taking a dump in their pants—and today, we here at CNN are going to do something about it. No matter when you tune in today, you will see one of our brave anchors dropping a deuce in their drawers."
The ensuing hours at CNN were noxious but upbeat, as each anchor did their patriotic duty and ratings quickly doubled. The janitorial staff quit en masse, every dry cleaner in Atlanta closed shop, but still, the noble anchors pressed onward. Jim Acosta delivered the most handsome, brave defecation humanity has ever seen, and demanded he be surrounded with mirrors to witness his own perfection. Chris Cuomo, unable to be physically present, still cut a rope in his joggers as he chased after a woman in Central Park.
Don Lemon gave an impassioned speech in preparation for his parking the bark. "What I love about Biden is that it doesn't matter where he is—restaurants, the Situation Room, or even talking to the Pope—he just goes for it. That's the kind of fearless leadership America needs. Glad I didn't wear my red turtleneck though."
Sources say Wolf Blitzer also pooped his pants, but that was before CNN launched their campaign.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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