VIRGINIA—Terry McAuliffe said he's completely confused that telling parents the state owns their children, that parents have no say over what their kids learn in school, and that repulsively disgusting pornographic books are good for kids didn't prove to be electorally popular.
"It's so weird," a crestfallen McAuliffe told reporters. "We pulled out all the stops: we told parents that we own their children's minds, that they're wards of the state, and that their children should read horrific LGBTQ+ pornography in their school libraries, and it just didn't seem to connect with the people for some reason."
McAuliffe also performed a somber rendition of the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus classic song "We're Coming for Your Children" at his defeat party. "I know we've suffered a loss here, but rest assured," he said. "We are coming for your children sooner or later. This idea's time will come sooner or later. Hopefully sooner."
At publishing time, Democrats had vowed to learn no lessons from this defeat and lean harder into their demands to steal your children for you.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
