XINJIANG, CHINA—Nike has decided to give a special treat to their Uighur slaves, setting up an exclusive showing of the new documentary by spokesman Colin Kaepernick about his experience being enslaved as a millionaire pro quarterback.
"What better way to show our company's values than to let our Uighur slaves hear from someone else who has experienced slavery firsthand," said Nike CEO John Donahoe. "We also hope this helps with the unfortunate fact that our servants have been geting a little uppity lately. I think telling them that ultra-rich athletes in America are also slaves might help them see that Uighurs aren't somehow special for being enslaved, and maybe everyone can just chill out about the whole concentration camp thing."
In addition to the screening, Nike will also be giving each Uighur a commemorative Colin Kaepernick bobble-head as an early Christmas present. Kaepernick has generously taken time out of his jam-packed schedule of doing nothing to record a special message for the camps.
"I just first want to say, I hope you know how lucky you are to live in China," said Mr. Kaepernick. "You just don't know how good you have it. Now, I do hear you are dealing with a slavery thing right now, and I want you to know: I've been there. It was pretty rough making millions out in California, but I want you to know that thanks to your free labor, I still make millions and don't have to work any more! You all made this possible. When you go to sleep in your prison cell tonight, you can rest well knowing that you allow me to do the critical work I do burning down urban neighborhoods and trying to start a race war. Thanks, slaves!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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TAMPA,FL—The NFL has implemented a controversial new rule for all games that go into overtime that is certain to change football forever. Now, instead of determining the winner by who scores the most in overtime, the referee will just play ‘Eenie Meenie Miny Moe’ to determine the winner.
“Eenie Meenie Miny Moe, one of these teams has got to go!” sang the referee as he pointed at each of the teams competing for their spot in the Super Bowl. “If they holler, that’s not fair, they forfeit right then and there!”
“In the past, we would give each team a chance at offense and defense to see which team was better, but now we’ll just sing this silly children’s song instead,” explained referee James Hitchums. “Makes it a lot easier for us refs and saves us from having to make those controversial calls.”
Sources say the referee finished his song while his finger was still pointing at the Buccaneers—immediately negating all of the team's hard work and eliminating them ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
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