GREER, SC—According to several sources, local dad Robert McRandy is okay with his kids watching an R-rated movie, as long as the rating is just for violence, and not due to any nudity.
“…And preferably no more than, like, one or two F-bombs,” McRandy clarified during a family discussion over what movie to watch tonight.
Braveheart, for example, is unacceptable, because even though most of the film features minimal foul language and harmless violence (such as the quartering and disembowelment of William Wallace), there’s that one intimate scene between William and his wife that ruins the whole film. By contrast, The Patriot (which features decapitation via cannonball, aggressive hatchet slayings, and general war violence) contains zero boobs, making it fully approved for family movie night.
“Plus, The Patriot teaches the important message that the British were all pure evil incarnate, whereas the Americans were uncomplicated specimens of righteousness and racial equality who let their hair down to blow in the wind!” McRandy explained.
Schindler’s List and Amistad were eliminated, due to the presence of boobs in those films. Saving Private Ryan was approved, as it only contained images of soldiers being blown to bits or attempting to gather their own intestines, but no boobs that might be damaging to young family members.
At publishing, McRandy was considering a compromise of watching Final Destination, as long as they skip past the inappropriate nude scene to the more acceptable parts where teenagers are just getting violently decapitated.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
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