GREER, SC—According to several sources, local dad Robert McRandy is okay with his kids watching an R-rated movie, as long as the rating is just for violence, and not due to any nudity.

“…And preferably no more than, like, one or two F-bombs,” McRandy clarified during a family discussion over what movie to watch tonight.

Braveheart, for example, is unacceptable, because even though most of the film features minimal foul language and harmless violence (such as the quartering and disembowelment of William Wallace), there’s that one intimate scene between William and his wife that ruins the whole film. By contrast, The Patriot (which features decapitation via cannonball, aggressive hatchet slayings, and general war violence) contains zero boobs, making it fully approved for family movie night.

“Plus, The Patriot teaches the important message that the British were all pure evil incarnate, whereas the Americans were uncomplicated specimens of righteousness and racial equality who let their hair down to blow in the wind!” McRandy explained.

Schindler’s List and Amistad were eliminated, due to the presence of boobs in those films. Saving Private Ryan was approved, as it only contained images of soldiers being blown to bits or attempting to gather their own intestines, but no boobs that might be damaging to young family members.

At publishing, McRandy was considering a compromise of watching Final Destination, as long as they skip past the inappropriate nude scene to the more acceptable parts where teenagers are just getting violently decapitated.