Thousands of years ago, God gave mankind his 10 Commandments which became the basis for law and Western Civilization. Unfortunately, it's been a long time since they were updated to be more suitable for modern audiences! NOT OK!
Thankfully, woke scholars have done just that! Here are the newly updated "woke" 10 Commandments.
1) Thou shalt have no other Gods before the all-powerful State (duh!)
2) Thou shalt not make for yourself any graven image (unless it's a giant bronze BLM raised fist you bow down to every morning)
3) Thou shalt not take the name of your Lord God in vain (unless you're reminding everyone that Jesus was actually a Socialist revolutionary)
4) Remember Pride Month, and keep it holy
5) Honor your father and your mother (unless they are evil MAGA racists. In that case, you should cancel them.)
6) Thou shalt not kill (Unless you're killing a fascist by beating them over the head with a "tolerance" sign)
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless it's consensual)
8) Thou shalt not steal (unless you're looting a Nike shoe store for justice)
9) Thou shalt not bear false witness (unless you're living your truth!)
10) Thou shalt not covet (unless you are coveting the possessions of a rich white oppressor. Then, it's totally ok)
NOT SATIRE: Want to get your Christmas shopping done early? Pick up a copy of The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness today before they run out!
To show the world you're a good person—and also to avoid getting canceled and having your life ruined by a Twitter mob—you need to get WOKE. In The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness, the writers of satirical sensation The Babylon Bee tell you how to choose your pronouns, blame everyone else for your problems, and show the world how virtuous you are with virtue-signaling profile pictures and stunning and brave hashtags. A tongue-in-cheek guide to the far Left’s obsession with intersectional insanity, The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness will help you laugh at the state of our culture so you don’t cry.
Get your copy now: https://www.amazon.com/Babylon-Bee-Guide-Wokeness/dp/1684512719
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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