SHREVEPORT, LA—According to sources, local diner and deranged psycho Sam Fullerton has chosen sausage over bacon to go with his breakfast platter.
"Yeah, I don't really like the sizzling, crispy goodness of bacon," said the utterly sick lunatic—who is probably a liberal—as he sat down to eat his gross breakfast food. "I much prefer a slimy log of processed pig organs. I really just enjoy the feeling as it slides down my throat."
According to witnesses, his waitress shuddered and ran to the back of the kitchen to throw up.
According to experts, there is a rising mental health crisis in America, which is strangely correlated with increased instances of men giving up the heavenly, God-given perfection of bacon and substituting it for the sewer food known as sausage—which experts say is the culinary equivalent of sticking your hand into a hollowed-out roadkill carcass on the side of the road and eating whatever comes out.
Experts warn that if this disturbing trend isn't reversed, men will soon be asking for tomato slices with their breakfast instead.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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