WASHINGTON, D.C.—Republicans have heralded their recent legislative victory after the spending bill this week was reduced to just one trillion dollars.
During a press conference today, they praised themselves for slowing the Democrats down to the point where it took them an extra couple of weeks to pass their massive spending package.
"This is why you need to keep voting for us Republicans," said Senator Mitt Romney. "We won't stop anything from happening. But we'll slow it down by a few months. Can you imagine if you hadn't voted for us? This thing would have been $1.4, $1.5 trillion easy. We're spending a very sensible $1 trillion instead."
"Now, the nation will go broke a full six months later than it would have otherwise," he added proudly.
Senator Mitch McConnell also patted himself on the back for putting up a good, if losing, fight. "Think about it," he said. "They might have spent an extra few hundred billion. That's, like, six or seven times as much. Or something." He fumbled with his calculator watch, a gift from President Trump, but couldn't operate the tiny buttons. "Anyway, yeah. It would have been a lot worse."
Reporters shouted questions, but McConnell pulled his head down inside his suit jacket and retreated.
Senate Republicans concluded their press conference with an appeal to vote for more Republicans, warning voters that if they don't, the Democrats might get their way slightly quicker than they do now.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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