WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House has set aside a special seat for "honored guest" Peter Doocy of Fox News, Jen Psaki confirmed Monday.
Doocy was concerned, however, when he realized the "seat of honor" was positioned directly under a precariously dangling piano.
"Um, Press Secretary Psaki, do you think I could get a different seat?" Doocy asked, looking up worriedly. "I'm pretty sure there is a massive grand piano directly above me."
A smiling Psaki assured him there was no piano and that he was "perfectly safe." "We'll circle back to your question," she said while making a "cutting" motion with her fingers to some aides in the rafters. "Geez, these Fox News reporters, am I right?"
Everyone in the room chuckled, except Peter Doocy, who shouted, "Help! Help! I'm about to be crushed by a baby grand!" This only made the other reporters laugh harder at the "deranged conspiracy theorist" and well-known troublemaker.
Finally, the piano fell. Doocy dove out of the way and barely made it out alive. "Curses!" shouted Jen Psaki. "You were supposed to be flat!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."