MADISON, WI—After minutes of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of Kyle Rittenhouse has rendered the verdict that the defendant is in fact "Based" and "An Absolute Chad."
The decision was read aloud by the foreman of the jury, despite the jury on Twitter already handing down their decision of Guilty on all charges way back on August 26, 2020.
Kyle Rittenhouse had been charged on multiple counts of murder after he shot several people amid the riotous looting that occurred in Kenosha in the name of social justice after the police shooting of Jacob Blake. It is possible that Rittenhouse didn’t get the memo that all the destruction and looting he saw was being done in the name of social justice.
Rittenhouse was pursued by a group of rioters who were threatening to kill him, according to eyewitness testimony. After a gunshot was fired by someone else, one man lunged at him to take his AR-15 away and consequently was shot. After that, Rittenhouse was pursued by two other attackers, one armed with a skateboard and the other with a handgun. In their attempt to harm him, they also were shot. After the prosecutor presented in full this exact sequence of expert defensive gun tactics, they sat down and checked Twitter to weigh their options for their best legal strategy.
After hearing eyewitness testimony that Rittenhouse was threatened and then physically attacked by several men, and watching the video footage showing him deftly defending himself, jurors could be heard murmuring amongst themselves, “Wow, based," “What a unit,” and “I want to buy that kid a beer when we’re done here.”
At publishing time, the judge had handed down a sentence of a pack of Whiteclaws and a $100 gift card to Bass Pro Shops for "this absolute legend".
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TAMPA,FL—The NFL has implemented a controversial new rule for all games that go into overtime that is certain to change football forever. Now, instead of determining the winner by who scores the most in overtime, the referee will just play ‘Eenie Meenie Miny Moe’ to determine the winner.
“Eenie Meenie Miny Moe, one of these teams has got to go!” sang the referee as he pointed at each of the teams competing for their spot in the Super Bowl. “If they holler, that’s not fair, they forfeit right then and there!”
“In the past, we would give each team a chance at offense and defense to see which team was better, but now we’ll just sing this silly children’s song instead,” explained referee James Hitchums. “Makes it a lot easier for us refs and saves us from having to make those controversial calls.”
Sources say the referee finished his song while his finger was still pointing at the Buccaneers—immediately negating all of the team's hard work and eliminating them ...
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