MADISON, WI—After minutes of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of Kyle Rittenhouse has rendered the verdict that the defendant is in fact "Based" and "An Absolute Chad."
The decision was read aloud by the foreman of the jury, despite the jury on Twitter already handing down their decision of Guilty on all charges way back on August 26, 2020.
Kyle Rittenhouse had been charged on multiple counts of murder after he shot several people amid the riotous looting that occurred in Kenosha in the name of social justice after the police shooting of Jacob Blake. It is possible that Rittenhouse didn’t get the memo that all the destruction and looting he saw was being done in the name of social justice.
Rittenhouse was pursued by a group of rioters who were threatening to kill him, according to eyewitness testimony. After a gunshot was fired by someone else, one man lunged at him to take his AR-15 away and consequently was shot. After that, Rittenhouse was pursued by two other attackers, one armed with a skateboard and the other with a handgun. In their attempt to harm him, they also were shot. After the prosecutor presented in full this exact sequence of expert defensive gun tactics, they sat down and checked Twitter to weigh their options for their best legal strategy.
After hearing eyewitness testimony that Rittenhouse was threatened and then physically attacked by several men, and watching the video footage showing him deftly defending himself, jurors could be heard murmuring amongst themselves, “Wow, based," “What a unit,” and “I want to buy that kid a beer when we’re done here.”
At publishing time, the judge had handed down a sentence of a pack of Whiteclaws and a $100 gift card to Bass Pro Shops for "this absolute legend".
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."