KENOSHA, WI—As the prosecution rests its case in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial, state officials expressed regret over hiring lawyer Lionel Hutz to lead the prosecution.
"We were told he was one of the best," said the mayor of Kenosha, Bob Kenosha. "Some guy down at Moe's Tavern told us he was the man for the job. I'm feeling pretty disappointed right now."
According to sources, Hutz brought in video evidence of Rittenhouse's innocence and coached his witnesses to testify that they pointed a gun at the defendant first.
"Apparently, Lionel Hutz thought he was on the defense team," said Mayor Kenosha. "We tried to tell him he was actually the prosecutor but it was too late. Then he tried to stop everything by saying 'objection' over and over and then tried to distract the jury by removing his pants."
In the end, Hutz moved for a "bad court thingy"—which apparently meant a mistrial—but was denied by the judge.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."