WASHINGTON, D.C.—After stirring controversy by referring to legendary baseball player Satchel Paige as a "negro," Biden came forward today to apologize for his gaffe.
"Ah man, I apologize for calling all the colored folks negroes," he said to a stunned press. "I forgot all the coloreds don't want us to them to call them that anymore. Sorry, colored people!"
The White House also apologized for the gaffe, reminding everyone that "negro" was the preferred term when Biden began his career back over half a century ago. "It's also important to remember that Biden has advanced dementia," said the Press Secretary. "Give ol' racist Joe a break!"
Biden's aides also confirmed he will be making amends with the black community by inviting Jesse Jackson to the White House to sniff his hair.
Biden maintains that allegations of racism directed at him are baseless. "I'm not a racist," Biden said. "And if you don't believe me, you ain't a negro!"
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."